Shannon Thomas, LCSW-S
I was recently contacted and asked to share my thoughts on how a
Christian is supposed to deal with narcissists, sociopaths and
psychopaths. To some it may seem like an odd request but actually it
isn’t at all. One area of my counseling practice is specializing in
recovery from toxic relationships and believe me when I say that trying
to have a normal relationship with a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath
is anything BUT normal. The Hollywood version of how a narcissist,
sociopath or psychopath behaves often confuses people and it is after
much psychological abuse that someone comes to realize that they were in
fact in a very toxic relationship. I think it’s important to know what
these relationships look like and there is a great book called
“Psychopath Free” by Peace. Here is a link to my book review – “Psychopath Free”.
The topic of how a Christian is supposed to deal with being in a
relationship with a very emotionally unhealthy and unsafe person is
important because it highlights many significant pitfalls. The reason
this becomes an issue is due to the fact that biblical teaching is often
taken out of context and used to justify and enable bad behaviors in
people. For decades, women who were being physically, emotionally,
sexually and psychologically abused by men in their lives were told by
pastors that it was their duty to make it work at home and to cook
better meals or do other tasks in order to please abusive men. This
thinking has permeated church culture. Although nowadays no church in
the country would allow a pastor to preach from the pulpit that domestic
violence is acceptable, I assure you that individual pastors are still
counseling female parishioners that they as women need to bring peace to
the home. How do I know this is still happening? I often end up seeing
these ladies for counseling. They walked into a pastor’s office with the
problem of domestic abuse and came out with the same problem and
another one added: it’s their responsibility to fix the abuse by being a
better girlfriend, wife or daughter.
This history of placing the blame on the woman when abuse is present
has contributed to some Christian women feeling as if they can not set
healthy boundaries with men who end up being narcissistic, sociopathic
or psychopathic. Now, I should pause here and say that I know men meet,
date and sometimes marry narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths and
the damage done is just as intensely painful for these men. The question
asked of me was about Christians in particular and I do strongly
believe that women have been taught to overlook and put up with abuse in
ways that Christian men collectively have not. I could be wrong but
it’s just my experience of being a Christian for over twenty years and
having been actively involved in churches and previously on ministry
staff. MORE
